November 2, 2021
Listen to Coach Ajit coaching live! In this episode, Coach Ajit is coaching Verlee, a new life and business coach who started her coaching business recently and finds herself holding back from fully reaching her potential. In this raw coaching...
Listen to Coach Ajit coaching live! In this episode, Coach Ajit is coaching Verlee, a new life and business coach who started her coaching business recently and finds herself holding back from fully reaching her potential.
In this raw coaching conversation, you will find Coach Ajit using his 4-part coaching session structure. This structure is useful whenever you are coaching someone. It is especially handy for first-time coaching conversations.
"Slow down to speed up." – Ajit Nawalkha
You will also experience the 4-part life coaching model called “The Process” in action. This coaching conversation has been edited for ease of listening but in essence, keeps all elements.
At the end of the episode, you will also find what went wrong in this coaching conversation.
"Courage is a function of preparation, passion, and safety." – Ajit Nawalkha
Look out for these key elements in the coaching conversation:
Are you struggling to be courageous? If yes, what shows up for you?
Would you try to use the habit-building model suggested at the end of the coaching conversation to build a new habit for yourself?
What would you do when coaching a client like Veerle?
Coach Ajit (00:00):
You are listening to Master Coaching with Ajit podcast that inspires coaches to impact the lives of their clients more meaningfully. I am Coach Ajit and I'm known for coaching high performers, entrepreneurs, and leaders. I'm also a serial entrepreneur and author of many books. On this podcast, I am answering your burning questions. I'm also demonstrating and deconstructing behind-the-scenes coaching sessions.
And in this episode, we are exploring how to find courage and how to stop holding yourself back. When you are executing ideas that you love or business principles that you love in your business. We are going to do that by actually listening to a coaching session that I did with one of our community members who are she finds herself, not courageous enough to take actions and finds herself holding back to pursue her own dreams. Here's where our journey started with Veerle. She sent me a question which said I started my business last year and feel like I'm holding myself back mainly because I'm afraid of my own success. This thought is keeping me small. I feel that I can become very successful if I really go for it. And I'm very excited to grow my business, but there's always an underlying fear of what if that really happens.
Can I handle it? So my question is mostly how do I create the capacity to step into my fullest potential so that I can really have the business in life that I have dreamed of really was in a position where she knew what her dreams were. She knew she wanted to get them, but for some reason, she found herself not being able to take the courageous steps that she needed to take for her to find success that she truly desired. After our conversation, she highlighted two very specific wins that she found right off the conversation. First one was she found what is really holding her back. And the second thing was that she got the necessary steps that she need to take action toward to words for her to be able to create a more courageous life. Here is something she shared with me a day later.
I wanna share this with you. So you have some context of what you can expect from this episode where they sent me this note, "Hi, Ajit. I promised here's my update from day one, after our conversation, a few hours after the call, I have taken the time to reflect. And actually I'm still reflecting. I've written a lot in my journal and spoke to my fiance about my insights. One of the action steps that I decided to take is to make a big painting with take space on it and put it into our living room and remind myself every day of the importance of this concept and the new story I wanna tell myself. I haven't created this yet, but I plan to do so this weekend also I took almost three hours to watch the recording today because I paused it every time to take notes and to reflect even further on your questions and my answers during this call. I think this already has been super helpful to me. And this is only day one. Thank you so much again for your continuous support. It means a lot."
Thank you so much for sending me this beautiful note. Now, during the course of listening to this conversation, I want you to look out for two specific structures that you will see me follow. I wanna share these structures with you so you could see for yourself how these play out in a coaching session. The first structure you're looking out for is the structure of the coaching session itself. You'll see me first build rapport. Then you will see me set an objective with Veerle and then you'll see me decide action steps with her. This four part structure helps me deliver in every coaching session that you will hear me deliver. Also on this podcast. The second structure you're looking for is the structure that I use when I am coaching.
When I'm coaching, while it may seem like my structures all over the place, usually it would follow a four part structure. The first part would be presence or getting your client into the present and understand the value of it. The second part will be where I'll help them organize their mind or guide them and work with them to organize their mind. The third part would be where we will work on bioengineering stuff, which is more related to habits. And how do we become a peak performer? And lastly would sometimes talk about connectedness. Now in this particular episode, you will not see me go so much into it. Mostly because we ran out of time. This is the first time I was talking to Worley. This is the first time I've coached her. So she's not a client. I've had a lot of experience with, but you will see me build rapport really fast.
You will see me set some really clear objectives, help her really as much as possible in a really short period of time, and also give her things that she can do in the coming 90 days. That is certain to help her change her life. This is a packed life coaching conversation. Ley sat down with this recording for three hours and she was still having moments of insight and was taking notes. My invitation for you is to listen to this conversation carefully and see how it reflects into your own life or how you can use the tools that I demonstrate in this coaching session with your clients. Here is something I want you to notice on top of this. There was one really classic new coach mistake I made during the entire session. I only realized this mistake when I was reviewing this session. I want you to listen in for that mistake. At the end of this podcast, I will tell you exactly what mistake I made and how I intend to correct it. I'll also reflect on how you may be making that mistake and how you wanna be careful if you want more meaningful impact in your client's life. Now, as you're experiencing this conversation, I invite you to share this recording with someone that you feel can benefit from this conversation as well. Now, without further ado, let's go right into it.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:05:59):
Coach Ajit (00:06:00):
How are you doing?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:06:01):
Nice. Nice to, uh, to meet you here and have this opportunity. I'm very excited.
Coach Ajit (00:06:06):
Absolutely. I'm very excited to discuss what we are gonna discuss today. So, uh, first of all, before we even talk about anything else, tell me how you doing today?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:06:16):
Um, good. Yes. Um, I was a bit like, I guess nervous or, you know, kind of like before, but it's, it's mostly excitement. So, um, yeah, I'm just happy for this, this moment and actually being coached by you. Um, yeah, that's, that's just a beautiful opportunity. So I'm happy about that.
Coach Ajit (00:06:37):
Well, I'm blessed to have the opportunity to speak with you today and coach you today in helping you create the life of your dreams. So I'm super excited and, and, and pumped about this opportunity as well. Uh, how, how is the day today? How, how did you feel? How is it like evening time for you? I'm guessing you're somewhere in Europe.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:06:55):
Yes, I'm um, in the Netherlands. So it's 6:00 PM right now. Um, so yeah, it's, it's not dark yet, but it's, it's getting, uh,
Coach Ajit (00:07:18):
That's fantastic. That's fantastic. You're ready for a conversation.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:07:21):
Coach Ajit (00:07:23):
So, uh, tell me, what do we wanna talk about today? Firstly, let's start with like any, any good conversation to make most of our 45 minutes, uh, that we have together today. Let's set ourselves up to some great objectives as to what is it that we want to achieve, let's say after these 45 minutes, mmhmm,
Veerle (Coachee) (00:07:47):
Yeah, I, I feel like, um, as I shared before as well, I feel like I'm holding myself back with my, um, ambitions and, and the things I want to achieve. So what I hope to get out of this session is, um, I guess some inspiration and empowerment, how I can get myself to the next level and actually really, um, kind of like push myself into, to, to being, uh, more courageous maybe to, to do the things that I, I need to do to really achieve the growth that I'm looking for in, in my business.
Coach Ajit (00:08:25):
Okay. Okay. What, what is it that you're trying to do in your business?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:08:31):
Um, so now I'm really focusing on, on growing my business. So, um, I started last year, last year, I got certified as a coach and now I'm, I'm really working on, um, getting more visibility that people I can actually find me and, and know what I do. And, and just, um, first of all, trying to get an income, um, like just that, that that's, um, you know, a monthly income that really, um, can pay all the bills and everything. And then from there, of course I want to even grow further and, and, and really, um, make it a bigger success.
Coach Ajit (00:09:06):
Mm. Have you taken, ever the opportunity Verla to really ask yourself what stops you? I hear that you say I'm holding myself back, I'm looking for inspiration, empowerment. I want to be more courageous. I want to grow my business. Have you had a chance to reflect, to say, Hey, this is what is stopping me. Have you, have you had a chance to reflect on that at all?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:09:28):
Yes. I have been thinking about it because I was like, you know, where does this feeling come from? And, um, first of all, I was like, is it some kind of fear of failure because that's often what you hear like that, that you're afraid, you know, that it doesn't work out. But I found out when I was reflecting on this, that that's not really what is holding me back because I actually already feel successful in my business by all the things I have been doing. And like, even if I would decide tomorrow that, you know, this is not going to work out, I even feel like then it's not a failure anyway, because I, I feel like I had so much personal growth already and all the amazing things I have done and the experiences I've had so far, and even like things like this, you know, those opportunities that makes it all worth it already.
So I, I feel like it's not a fear of failure. That's, that's holding me back. Um, but somehow it's kind of like a fear, like what if it's really going to be big and successful? And it's, it's weird because that's like what you're going for, that's what you want. But it's somehow also scary. Um, but I'm, I'm not sure, like I'm trying to find out, like, where does that fear come from and how can I actually work through it? Um, because like, I also feel it's part of growing, of course, like stretching your comfort zone all the time. Um, but yeah, I guess I, I'm just finding a way to make it more, um, to get myself in a better flow somehow that, that even though some things are scary and, and I want to achieve those big things that I can actually do it in a more like, um, you know, balanced way or that I actually feel more excited about it than, than scared if that makes sense. Mm.
Coach Ajit (00:11:13):
It absolutely does. Absolutely. That's beautiful. So one, congratulations, first of all, that you were able to diagnose where it may be, the resistance may be coming from that. You understand that you're not fearful of it. You are more fearful of what I may, if I may re reposition it and say it, uh, that what if it does work out and that is your challenge. It's not what if it doesn't work? Out's more about what if does work out. So again, just leaning further into it, because what I'm really curious about here Veerle is what is that dimension that is really stopping you to be able to say that you're not courageous to able to say, I'm holding myself back. Like there must be something that invites that mental dialogue or that mental thinking pattern in you. So if I could ask you further to, to get to that understanding is what does, what if it does work out what is so fearful about it? Is there something that you're like, okay, if it works out, if I get this success, if I get this achievement unlocked, that whatever that is, that you want name, fame, money, uh, happiness, joy, whatever it is, let's say it gets unlocked a hundred percent. Let's try and travel five years ahead into the future. What if it does work out? So what is it about, what if it does work out scares you?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:12:36):
Yeah, that's, that's the, the toughest question, I guess, that I'm, I'm trying to, to figure out maybe it's um, yeah, I don't know. It has something to do with maybe like being like very visible, um, because like on one hand I'm not really, um, you know, scared, for example, to, to be visible on social media. I actually like to record videos and all of that, but that's still like, kind of like in a safe, uh, something that I feel comfortable about. So maybe, um, if I, if I get so successful that I don't really know what to expect about that, that I'm scared of that it's maybe the, just the unknown, like, okay, what does it actually look like if I, if I grow my business and, and get very successful and, um, yeah. Get so many clients and exposure. Mm. But of course you can't really know what it looks like until you are there. Right. So
Coach Ajit (00:13:45):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:14:12):
Of this? Yeah, I think so. Yes. Mm-hmm
Coach Ajit (00:14:15):
And that future is a desired future. You just don't know the consequences of it.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:14:20):
Coach Ajit (00:14:22):
Because you wanna get more visible, but you're just concerned about the consequences of that visibility. Firstly, I wanna invite you into a concept. It's called a concept of presence, the concept of the moment, uh, and the, and the concept really relies on the idea that time at time. And the stories that we tell ourselves based on time is what creates our present reality, right? So you, we tell ourselves a story of who we are based on the time that has gone by, right? So your past, uh, events in life circumstances that you may have overcome challenges that you may have overcome, start to define who we really is, right? And you go, this is who I am, right? Because these are the stories I've lived. And this is the understanding of developed about myself, for who I really am, but these stories are selected, right? And it's based on our circumstances that we select the story. Some of us tend to pick the negative stories a lot more, or these were the challenges I had in life. And so, you know, and this kind of person, some of us tend to say, oh, these are all the successes I've had. Or these were all the great things about me and they create a story, but it's more a matter of perception of how we looked at our past to create who we truly are. Would you say that's somewhat accurate to your life as well?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:15:42):
Yes, I think so. Yes.
Coach Ajit (00:15:43):
Your current understanding of self is inspired by your reflection of your past stories.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:15:48):
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because of, yeah. It forms who you are today, right? Like what has happened in the past. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (00:15:54):
Yeah. And then there's the future, which informs all of our fears and concerns about everything is what we do is we take the stories of the past and we develop a future because that's the data point that our mind has our soul has. Right? This is all that has happened in my life. This is what I've dealt with. And because this has been the story, this is going to be the story of the future. Right. And if there is something that is out of ordinary in the future story, it tends to create fear and concern and challenge. And you know, like, I don't want this because I'm not ready for it because that's not who I am. So it conflicts with your current reality or your, your understanding of the past or understanding yourself, would you say that also resonates with you a little bit?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:16:37):
Yes. Because it's something completely different than what I've done in the past. Um, mm-hmm
Coach Ajit (00:17:19):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:17:21):
Coach Ajit (00:17:22):
Right. So let's talk about the moment that we are in right now, right. This moment where we are having a conversation, and this is a concept that helps bring us to the moment and hopefully helps us find courage as well. Okay. So, because we built ourselves in this story of the past, right? So whatever happened in the past that defines us. And because we are always fearful of the uncertainty of the future, what tends to happen is because the fear or because of the story, we never really get to live the moment that we are in. Right. Because mm-hmm,
Yeah. Now what happens with that is if we continue to not live in this present moment, what will happen is we will forget that all a present moment really is, is a creation of past and future at the same time. If you really think about it, the moment that has passed by just 30 seconds ago or a minute ago is already in the past. And the future that is happening as of now in this moment, as I speak, these words is already in the future. Right. And because the past and future is happening at the same time, present is the perfect moment to create any new reality in life.
Okay. Yeah. I, I like that. Yeah.
We can't control the future because it's happening and it is going to stay uncertain. And as human beings, we want to control things. Mm-hmm,
So you have a fascinating problem. So kudos to you to already be in that mental state to say, I know I'm gonna be successful, but I know there's some fear that is on the consequences of success. So amazing problem to be in let's dive into the present moment and really ask ourselves as to if I was to believe in the concept that we just talked about. And it seems like you're nodding an agreement. And so I'm gonna assume that you have somewhat of an agreement here and at least conceptually in principle about what we just talked about. Let's lean into the idea of courage. Let's lean into the idea of holding myself back. Let's lean into the idea of, I need inspiration, empowerment, and so on and so forth. This is where our dialogue started. Right. So we are coming back to that area. What do you believe courage is? What is that courage that you're looking for? What do, what is the curse you seek in the moment?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:21:46):
Um, I think just every like challenge or everything, that's new that I haven't done before. That comes my way that I'm just like, okay, let's just go for it and see what happens even though, you know, it's new or, um, I'm like, I, I'm not sure how, how to do this, but I'm just going to go for it. That kind of like that type of, uh, feeling. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (00:22:13):
Tell me more. Tell me more. So that's courage. What do you mean when you say I'm holding myself back? What does that show up as in this moment? What is hold, how do you feel that you're holding yourself back? How do you feel that you are not inspired or not feeling empowered or not feeling as courageous as you would like to?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:22:32):
Um, that I, that I still do have, like, those things that I'm like, oh, maybe this will be good to do, find a business to grow, but then I'm like, yeah, maybe later I, I don't think I'm ready yet. You know, kind of like that, that, um, uh, yeah, that's what I, I tell myself sometimes. And I feel like, of course that slows me down because if I would just say, okay, I'm just going to do it. Even though I don't feel ready, then I, I feel like I will grow faster. Um, but that's, that's, I, I guess why I feel like I'm holding myself back sometimes that I'm like, I, I think I could do this, but I don't do it yet. I'm kind of like waiting for the, the perfect moment, which yeah. Will, will never happen. Of course.
Coach Ajit (00:23:20):
Hmm. What are the kind of things that you find yourself holding back or not finding the courage to do?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:23:28):
Coach Ajit (00:23:30):
Give an example so I can truly understand
Veerle (Coachee) (00:23:32):
Coach Ajit (00:23:33):
Mean by, I should do this for my business, but I don't do it.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:23:36):
Um, for example, just reaching out to, to people more to, um, sell my services, um, kind of like now I feel like I'm in the states that people come to me and then I'm like, okay, yes, let's have a have a call. And, and, you know, and, and that's how, how my conversations go, but it's not yet that I'm like reaching out to people for opportunities. Or for example, I, I got invited to speak at a few podcasts, so then I'm like, oh yeah, sure, great things for inviting me, let's do this. But you know, if I, I'm not going out there yet to, to ask, for example, someone like, can I, uh, do you, do you like to have me as, as your guest speaker or, you know, those type of things? So I guess so far, I, I kind of feel lucky, lucky that those things just came to me. And then when it came to me, I grabbed the opportunity, but I'm not going out there yet to, to chase those opportunities.
Coach Ajit (00:24:36):
Mm. So you find yourself in a state of inion when you have to reach out. That is one of the examples that
Veerle (Coachee) (00:24:43):
Is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Because then
Coach Ajit (00:24:46):
You think it could have, sorry, go on, sorry.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:24:48):
Oh yeah. I just wanted to add like, then if I have to take action, that's when those thoughts come in, like yeah. Maybe later, you know? Um, yeah. And then I guess when someone reaches out to me, that's kind of already a confirmation, like, oh, okay. So they want to work with me. Um, so then I'm like, okay, let's go for it. So, yeah, it's a di it's this diff difference in, in, in mindset somehow,
Coach Ajit (00:25:14):
Do you feel that there is an, and this is a question I'm, I'm discovering here with you, is that there, the reason you don't find courage in those moments where you don't take action in those moments, could it be, is that, that there is some kind of consequences that you're concerned about is why you don't take action or is it that you have a really busy practice? And so you don't take action or could it be something else that, that is stopping you to take action? Because clearly, like you said, you were happy to do Instagram videos. You're happy to do, you know, things your business is doing well, it's growing at up pace. You may want more pace, which is a different conversation, but, uh, what is it according to you?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:26:01):
Um, yeah, maybe it it's, it's, I'm just thinking like, maybe it's, it's still some sort of underlying fear. Like what if someone says, no, although I'm, I'm Al also always kind of telling myself, like, you know, if, if someone doesn't want to work with me, that's, that's fine. Then we're, we're not a match or it's not the right time for that person. You know? Like I, I tell myself those, those things as well. Um, but maybe it's still there somehow that I'm like, if I don't take action and at at least, I mean, nothing is going to happen, but it's also that nothing bad is going to happen. Maybe that's kind of like, what's on the need there.
Coach Ajit (00:26:42):
You can take some more minister reflect on it if you want to go further, because I don't want to be suggestive here. I am simply curious to see where is that? Is that courage or is that fear or is that something else that stops you from doing what you know is right for you to do?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:27:03):
Yeah, I, I, I'm not really sure, sure. What it is. We don't,
Coach Ajit (00:27:06):
Yeah. We don't have to get to the answer in this pretty second. If you need a minute to reflect you can, but if you have something we can continue to talk.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:27:16):
Yeah. It it's, um, maybe, maybe it's just a, a combination of those things, actually, that I'm thinking about. Like, maybe it is like that. I feel like I have to be courageous, but that pressure is kind of also holding me back sometimes that I'm like, no. Okay. Um, you don't have to do everything at the same time. Um, yeah. I think it's a combination maybe of that.
Coach Ajit (00:27:42):
Beautiful. The reason why I asked that question and the reason why I want you to reflect on that, and maybe you could take this as one of the things to further reflect, even post our coaching session, because maybe something else will come up
Veerle (Coachee) (00:27:55):
Coach Ajit (00:27:56):
Is courage itself. And if you were to talk about courage itself is, is taking action with the idea that is some safety and people think courage is just going at something mindlessly. That's not what courage is. That's not how courage looks like in the real world. It is a great idea to say, but courage is a function of preparation. It's a function of passion and it's a function of what do you feel is safe, right? Mm-hmm
Veerle (Coachee) (00:29:10):
Coach Ajit (00:29:11):
It's like, um, when athletes like the crazy athletes that we see jumping off snow cliffs and everything
Veerle (Coachee) (00:30:05):
Coach Ajit (00:30:07):
We are fearful of what, when we are reaching out to a potential client, according to you,
Veerle (Coachee) (00:30:12):
Well, I guess one of the fears is, is then like that, that person's like, I don't want to, to, to work with you. Or I think for me, it's even more like, don't kind of like spend me with, you know, any, um, anything you want to sell. I, I guess that's, that's kind of like a feeling, um, not even when you have had a conversation that the person's like, yeah. Maybe, maybe this is not the time, but maybe even before that, like the first response, when you re reach out to someone.
Coach Ajit (00:30:45):
Yeah. And that's a genuine fear. We don't wanna be rejected. We wanna be accepted as human beings. Yeah. You wanna be loved. Right. We wanna be loved. We wanna be accepted. What happens when somebody says, I don't want you,
Veerle (Coachee) (00:30:59):
Yeah. I guess it's also because like these days you also get so many messages, just those in your inbox of people like that want to sell yourself, like out of the blue that I'm like, I don't want to be that person, you know,
Coach Ajit (00:31:47):
Very interesting. So you don't wanna bother people.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:31:50):
Yeah. I guess, I guess that's, it's
Coach Ajit (00:31:52):
Out to people is bothering them.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:31:55):
Yeah. I guess that's, that's more than, than, than if they say like, uh, no, I don't want, want to work with you. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (00:32:02):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:32:16):
Yeah, of course. I don't know that.
Coach Ajit (00:32:18):
Oh, you don't know that for sure. So we are, we are projecting right now thinking that if I send a message to someone, they will be bothered.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:32:25):
Coach Ajit (00:32:26):
For some reason, because we are bothered when we receive a message. Is that what the reason is to believe that somebody else will be watered?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:32:34):
Yeah. I guess that's where it comes from maybe, but although I'm, I'm not really like, um, you know, if someone reaches out with like a genuine conversation, I'm also not bothered. So I guess, ah, yeah. I guess it's the way you would reach out to someone.
Coach Ajit (00:32:54):
So the, so let's address that let's dive a little bit there. Right? So here's what happens in our minds. Um, when something happens as an event, like getting an email or a message or a call is that we look at it and we start to come up with a story before anything happens. Our mind goes into autopilot because our brains are wired in a way to protect itself all the time. So it wants to make the meaning based on our past, right. Mm-hmm
Veerle (Coachee) (00:33:51):
Coach Ajit (00:33:52):
Right. And that is the same thing that's happening for you before even sending the message, you made up a story as you receive a message, you make up a story. And because we make up these stories, we actually lose the opportunity of really knowing what's happening. Right? Like you shared, if there was someone who had a genuine message for you, something that was meaningful to you, you would actually be excited to receive that email, that message, that phone call, whatever that is. Right. When I sent you the email saying, Hey, early, I would love to bring you on the podcast where you like damage it. Why are you doing this? Why do I have to get on a podcast with you and do this coaching thing that you're offering? Did you say that?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:34:35):
No. Of course not, no.
Coach Ajit (00:34:36):
Annoyingly sent me an email. Fine. If you said it, I will do this for you. Is that what you did?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:34:42):
No, no, no. At all. No. I was very excited when I received it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (00:34:48):
So teams, things that we want, we are excited about, right?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:34:50):
Coach Ajit (00:34:52):
If you were really searching for a candy and somebody gave you a candy, you were excited about it, right?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:34:59):
Coach Ajit (00:34:59):
So could it be, and I'd love for you to explore this. Could it be that you were projecting your annoyance with a few people into lives of many that could have an opportunity to actually get the benefit of working with you?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:35:15):
Yeah, I think, um, I think it it's, it's part that like annoyance, but also, yeah. But I mentioned before, like, I don't want to, to bottle someone even though yeah. I, I guess if people yeah, interested then it doesn't feel like that. Um, so, so that's probably also one of the things that is holding me back, what we, we spoke about. Like, um, yeah. Feeling like, like I'm, I'm taking that space. Uh, yeah. I guess, I guess it's related to that.
Coach Ajit (00:35:47):
Would you think that there is a possibility that you are actually showing up to help somebody?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:35:52):
Yeah, because that's, that's what I, what I want to do. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (00:35:56):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:36:07):
Mm, not really. Yeah. I mean, if they would just find me online, but then I'm still out there, like sharing things. So
Coach Ajit (00:36:16):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:36:16):
Coach Ajit (00:36:20):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:36:37):
Yeah. I guess that's what happens now. Like, I hope that the things I share that, that resonates with people and they're like, oh yeah. Uh, let me reach out to her and see how we can work together. Yeah. And then when someone reach out, I'm like, oh, okay. That person likes what I do. Let's let's start a conversation. That's mm-hmm
Coach Ajit (00:36:57):
So could it be that our entire discovery of courage on what stops you may not even be the path that you want to follow. So let me reflect on what I, what I mean by this. So we understand where we, where we are coming from. Right. So when I asked you, what do you not find courage in? What is it that you hold yourself back? You say, well, because I don't reach out to people one on one for them to work with me. Right. I got that part. Right, right. But right now you're saying I'm happy to post videos all the time. And if they find me interesting and exciting, they should reach out to me. Right. Why is it important to you to find courage, to reach out to people?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:37:38):
Because I, I feel like if I reach out to people, um, that's, that's how I can grow my business because I, I don't want to just sit and wait for people to come to me.
Coach Ajit (00:37:50):
But are you sitting and waiting because you said you create content constantly and you're happy to create more content. And if it's good, people will come to you.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:37:58):
Yeah. I guess that's, that's also a story that I tell myself because yes, I I'm actually doing a lot of stuff. Mm. Um, and I guess the story I, I tell myself is like, I also have to reach out to people because otherwise I'm just waiting for people to come to me. Mm-hmm
Coach Ajit (00:38:15):
So there are two, two dimensions. We can explore this mm-hmm
. One is we could explore the fundamental idea, whoever implanted that in your head, that you must reach out to people to grow your business. Whoever implanted that idea is whoever implanted that idea, because they created that story for their own lives. And they were able to get their clients like that. For me, I reach out to people and that's how I've secured my high end clients. I don't have the resistance of taking space in somebody else's life. So I am very happy to take rejection. I'm very happy to take space because I see value in that. So it's my path. It may not be your path. So firstly, my path is not equal to less path and same is true for, you know, uh, the other way around. Right? So, so that could be one dimension we can explore.
And we can look for empowerment toward saying, well, maybe you are making up a story about that. You need to reach out to people and that's all it is. And we explore that further, that further empower you to create even more content, more powerful content, continue that, that tangent of growth. And you will be able to create your business in that dimension because there is no right and wrong ways. Let's be, let's be, let's be through with, uh, together on this, right. Mm-hmm
Veerle (Coachee) (00:40:17):
Yeah. I think the taking space part is the, the most challenging one. Uh, if I think about it. Yeah. Mmhmm
Coach Ajit (00:40:31):
Sure, absolutely. So barely if I was to ask you and we are gonna lean a little bit into past for this and, and let's, let's see if we can unravel something to, to really discover what may be happening. If I was to look at your story of life. And if I was to ask you to maybe close your eyes for, for hot second hair, mm-hmm
Coach Ajit (00:42:15):
Veerle (Coachee) (00:42:15):
And usually it worked out like that as well, because I just worked hard, hard for the things I wanted to achieve. And then usually most of the things went well, like in school and, and all of that. Um, so
Coach Ajit (00:43:00):
So feel because other people will jealous now you feel you can take people's space or you can be in somebody else's space.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:43:09):
Well, I guess, I guess it sometimes holds me back to really fully express myself and, and share my successes that I'm like, oh, maybe I'm being too much kind of that, that feeling
Coach Ajit (00:43:24):
What's wrong with being too much.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:43:26):
Yeah. Nothing really
Coach Ajit (00:43:53):
Really we are a function of a lot of beliefs, a lot of limiting beliefs, and we can explore all of them. We can explore none of them. And either of the scenario, life is going to continue to be beautiful. If there is something that is inherently true about you. And, and if you approach life that way, if you approach life as the beautiful art, that it is a beautiful movie, that it is that we get to play whatever role we wanna play. You see, every event causes a triggered thinking pattern, right? We start to go, oh, I wanna think about, uh, that I am holding back because I take people's space. That's a thinking pattern. Mm-hmm
And now you're like, okay, I need to hold myself back. And so, hence now you've developed this pattern of thinking, oh, I don't wanna take space in people's lives. Maybe there was a bad boyfriend or a parent or whatever it was, or girlfriend or whatever that was. But somebody told you repeatedly, Hey, you're in my space directly or indirectly. And now you believe that you take too much space. If you send a message to someone that is actually in their interest, the person who's receiving it as much as it is in your interest is always more in the interest. The person that is receiving it, because the benefit of outcome that possible with the coach is significantly greater than the benefit that the coach gets is a financial benefit. Mm-hmm
So I'm gonna do what I think is the right next strategy for me. And next strategy could be producing 10 times more videos, or it could be, I wanna personally reach out to people again, there's no good or bad strategies. They're, they're more aligned with the person or not aligned with the person. They're all good strategies. Mm-hmm
When you're about to get into that state, when you're about to do that act, there would be two thinking patterns that will show up one would be, oh, I'm gonna take space in their life. Right? And the second thinking pattern that I am introducing in your life right now, and there will be multiple. So it doesn't have to limit itself to, there could be many more and they are always available because that's how our minds are. They can think all of the things, it chooses to follow the pattern. That's the easiest, which is why it holds you back. And you can't get out of the rack. Right? Because you're choosing that part because it's the easiest one it's defaults to you, right. It's like living your past every day, right? Yeah. So you are living Groundhog day every day. For that particular event of when you're about to send a message to someone Groundhog day, same pattern repeats itself.
You get back into the same cycle. You don't take action. You don't find the courage. You tell yourself the same story, right? I'm taking space in somebody's life. Now you can choose to stay that ground. Or you can say, all right, I'm gonna switch this around. I'm gonna try something else. I'm actually gonna tell myself a different story, my mind, a different story, and say a more empowered thinking for me now, the new barely that lives in this moment and enjoys every moment as if it's a new one that I'm creating a new future. Every moment I'm creating a new past every moment, and I'm gonna choose the idea that I'm not taking anybody's space. I'm actually just being of service. I'm simply sending a message out of my heart's kindness to people so that they could be awakened to what is available in the world to, so that I can help them awaken to the purpose that they can live through my coaching experience or just through a conversation with me.
I don't even have to get them to say yes. Right? Yeah. That's a different thinking pattern. Now in no way me saying that, and you hearing that, that thinking pattern will automatically happen. It won't right next time. You're about to get into action. The same old repeated comfortable. Pattern's gonna show up and you can choose though. Now you have a different choice and you can come up with more thinking patterns that are true for you, right? You can say if service is not your big driver, if money is your big driver, and I'm not saying that is, but I'm saying, let's say it was, you can say, well, I am choosing that. I'm an abundance being, and I'm not getting in anybody's space when I'm creating my abundance, because abundance is for everyone. They will be wealthier by working with me. And I will be wealthier by working with them.
Both of us gets the benefit of this. There is another thinking pattern that you can choose. Whatever's your primary driver. If you choose a thinking pattern that aligns with that, for me service, which is why that was the first obvious one for me, right? I'm like I'm being a service. It doesn't matter if in somebody's space because how are they going to change? If I don't show up as that, you know, that growth person that is going to come by their side and give them a little nudge so they can stop repeating the pattern that they have. Right?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:50:30):
Coach Ajit (00:50:30):
And so I am that, and that's how I wanna show up. That's my story. That's the pattern I choose. So my invitation for you is to, is to think what are some of the other patterns that you can choose and how can you choose that every time this occurs. And that's why living in the present moment is so vital and so important. That's why the first thing that we did was to say, remember that every moment is new and you can choose to live your past, and it will just stay that. Yeah. And you will be Groundhog day every day. Or you can say this moment is where I get to create a new pass and a new future at the same time, because this is the only place where I can do that. And so I can do that, whatever I can do whatever, because my life is like that, right? My life is full of basically a lot of present moments that I can keep creating. And a year from now, my past looks completely different and my future looks completely different because every present moment for the next one year creates the new past and the new future. Right. With that idea. Would you think going forward, you would find yourself if you find yourself in these moments, do you think the idea of different thinking patterns and choosing an empowered thinking can help you shift a little bit from your old pattern?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:51:44):
Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I think so. Because now I'm just, I was just in that old pattern and actually, I think I now actually realized where it came from. Um, so would
Coach Ajit (00:51:55):
You like to tell more about that?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:51:57):
Yeah, I think it, it it's really that taking space because while you were mentioning that, I was also thinking, yeah, it's not just to clients actually. It's also, um, with friendships, like when, when someone sends me WhatsApp message, oh, do you want to have, have coffee or something? I'm like, oh yeah, sure. But then like me reaching out to someone already feels like, oh, maybe they're busy. You know, like that's the same type of, of thought pattern. Um, so it, I guess it's just like with everything I do that I want to yeah. Not take up any space. So just realizing that I think it has, it will really help me to make that shift. And every time when I, when I get into a situation like that, just realizing like, no, I know where this, this comes from. Uh let's yeah. What you mentioned, let's use a more empowering thought and, and see what happens. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (00:52:50):
I have two invitations for you. Okay. First invitation is as a follow up to our conversation, I would love for you to sit in meditation. If that is, that is something that you do mm-hmm
Veerle (Coachee) (00:53:20):
Coach Ajit (00:53:22):
Because clearly that is not only showing up in your businesses, showing up in your friendships. It probably shows up in your partnership. If you have a love partnership, it probably shows up with your parents. It probably shows up everywhere in your life. And it has been created in your heart by a subconscious event that happened. And you've developed that. And there are two paths after that one. And I invite to do the first one first and then do the second one first is to accept that happened and forgive that happened and know that once you have forgiven, sometimes it is just one time you have to do. Sometimes it is five times. You have to do. Sometimes you have to make it a daily practice per month, before you really forgive something first, forgive the person and the event, then forgive yourself to live that way.
So you don't hold any grudge against yourself and let that go. Mm-hmm
I feel like it is through our conversation. Yeah. Um, so I really think you should do this work and that's the first way of doing it. And I invite you to stuck with that and don't associate a timeline to it. Sometimes it's easy for us to let go of things. And sometimes it's really, really, really hard. It can take months. It can take years mm-hmm
Because a habit is formed by reoccurrence of something, but it is mostly there because there's a reward associated to it. So when you follow the pattern of saying, oh, I am going to hold myself back here and I'm gonna take space in somebody's life. It actually rewards you something, it rewards you comfort. It rewards you. I'm not in somebody's space. So I feel like, you know, I am better in that scenario. You feel accepted because you're not taking anybody's space in your own heart. It's not true, but that's just what your habit is telling you again. And again, you're repeatedly holding yourself back because there's a reward associated to it. Everybody has a different reward. You have to explore what that reward is, but you have a reward. Yeah. The way to bypass a habit is to create a new reward structure. Okay. So let me give you an example.
So for example, you're about to send a message to someone and your default habit is I'm about to send a message to someone. So that's the trigger, your behavior that will show up. Oh no, I don't think I should send, I'm gonna create space or take space in their life. And then your reward is, oh, I didn't send a message. You know, I feel safe. I feel like I didn't take anybody's space. I feel accepted. So on, so forth, whatever your, your reward is there. Yeah. What you do is you set up a new reward, right. And the new reward is mostly associated with your passion or something that is more rewarding than the reward that you get from your default. Right. So from default, you feel safe. What is more important to you than safety? Maybe it's curiosity, maybe it's, uh, recognition, maybe it's visibility. Maybe it is money. Find that reward, right? Yeah. And now you work backwards from that reward, right? So you say, if I want this reward, what is the behavior I must do? Right. And then what will trigger that behavior? Right. So say for example, hypothetically, actually, why don't you tell me what would be a more interesting reward for you than the reward that you currently get by doing the behavior of holding yourself back?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:58:39):
Yeah. I think it's what, what you mentioned before, like the reward now is, is the comfort,
Coach Ajit (00:58:44):
What is more rewarding to you than comfort?
Veerle (Coachee) (00:58:47):
Um, like having my, my successful business. So like, well, let's, let's say it in one word, then we could choose money because that's one of the, yeah. One of the things you need needs for your business. So
Coach Ajit (00:58:59):
Fantastic. So let's pick money. Money is very tangible. So it's actually easier to recognize the reward as well. So that's absolutely
Veerle (Coachee) (00:59:05):
A problem for
Coach Ajit (00:59:06):
That. It's actually great. So let's say money, more money. That's the, of what we want. Right. What is the behavior you must do to get more money,
Veerle (Coachee) (00:59:14):
Coach Ajit (00:59:15):
Reach out to people, right? Yeah. How would you trigger yourself into this behavior? What is it that needs to happen in your life, around you or with you or within you that will inspire you to say, screw this. I'm going to reach out to people.
Veerle (Coachee) (00:59:30):
Mm, yeah. Some something that, that triggers me that I'm, that I will get the money. Right. Like, I'm just thinking about what I could be.
Coach Ajit (00:59:39):
Let me give you some examples. Okay. Yeah. So a trigger can be, I'm gonna stick a piece of paper right in front of me that says a number that is bloody exciting to me and my behavior. Every time I look at that paper is going to be screw this, screw my own belief system. I'm gonna go after what I want. Yeah. Right. That could be a trigger. I'm not saying that is your trigger. It could be a trigger. Right. So the reason why we are setting up a trigger outside of us, within us, depending on how you're wired. Right. And you'll find that trigger again. We, we are limited by time and this opportunity that we have, but what you're really looking for is you're identifying that trigger. So that trigger, every time that trigger happens, you get into the behavior. And because you'll get into that behavior, you will get the reward.
Now you have to repeat a cycle enough times for it to become a new habit. Right? Yeah. So right now your default is to go and get comfortable. Right. That's your default and you built it over however old you are.
And the reason is because if you do that behavior day after day, week after week, what tends to happen is now you are a new being because you don't even recognize your old self. Yeah. Cause you you're like, why would I not do it? Like, so it's almost a bypass system. It's not getting rid of that limiting belief. That belief is still there and it will show up the day you break your habit. Right. But the first 90 days, if you can stick with it for 90 days, what will happen is it will almost overpower your current habit. So it's almost like you're putting it on top of it. Now. That's why I said, step one, the first way that be said to do the heart and meditation, get past that thing, get past that belief. Great. Because then it's not even there. Right? So you've taken and shaken this foundation and create a new foundation of new habit. Amazing. But if you can do it, if it's taking way too long, you can just build a new habit on top of your old habit. And what it will do is it'll empower you to already start taking action towards the new you, right? Yeah.
Veerle (Coachee) (01:02:07):
Coach Ajit (01:02:08):
Do you see, do you see what I'm saying?
Veerle (Coachee) (01:02:10):
Coach Ajit (01:02:11):
Yeah. Do you see it working for you?
Veerle (Coachee) (01:02:13):
Yeah. I, I, I, I think so. It's, it's really, yeah. Kind of like, yeah, exactly what you mentioned getting into this new habit. Mm-hmm
Coach Ajit (01:02:46):
Veerle (Coachee) (01:03:04):
Like, first of all, finding out, like what was actually like holding me back and then yeah, because I thought in the beginning, I thought it was something else then eventually that it was about taking space and, and also realizing that it's not just about my business, but it's, it's a pattern that I have in, in my whole life, basically in everything I do. Um, so I, that realization is already, um, I think very powerful because that's of course the first step to realizing that it's there and then, um, yeah, the next steps, what I can actually do to, to make that change. Um, yeah. I, I can't wait to just get, get started and, and really work through it and, and, and try your suggestions about like the meditation and the 90 day. Um, yeah. Like changing that, that habit and, and see how that that's going to, to change. Um, and have that, that, yeah. That transformation basically. And I, yeah, I think it's beautiful. How, in such a short time, we actually, um, could find that out already and yes, I wish I had more time as well, but, uh, I'm already very grateful for this. So, um, so thank you very much for this.
Coach Ajit (01:04:17):
Thank you for taking the time. So really what I wanna do is I wanna set up some, um, action steps with you so we can commit to what we invested an hour talking about, that it is revealed to you and that you are, you are actually taking action towards it. Would you be open to doing that?
Veerle (Coachee) (01:04:37):
Yes. Yeah. Would you
Coach Ajit (01:04:38):
Be happy to set up an accountability structure between you and I, where I can actually check on you and you can check on me or, or work with me and actually following up by saying, Hey, this is all that is happening. And this is where I am in my journey. Would you be open to that?
Veerle (Coachee) (01:04:52):
Yes. Yes. Very much. Yeah. Awesome.
Coach Ajit (01:04:53):
Amazing. So I want you to do, um, two things first, right? So the first action step I want you to take, and I will send you the recording of this call as well. Once I receive it is I want you to highlight everything that happens an hour after this session or two hours after this session, highlight in the sense of takeaways throughout the course of our conversation, things that you would like to reflect on. So I want you to reflect on all of the conversation, not just the final actions, but the complete conversation. And the reason why I want, want you to reflect on that is because our rewiring happens through many moments to insights, right? Our, our understanding of the world happens through many moments of insight, right? Mm-hmm
Yeah, yeah. The big insights will stay, but the small ones where you're like, oh, I have to think about that in a different way. Or I could think about this in a different way, or that is what is coming up for me. And there's a lot more that will come up for you in the next hour as you breathe in, and you say, finally, the guy stopped talking
And it doesn't have to be a long email. It can be just one-liner or two-liner. Right? You have my private email address where I send you the invitation from you can send me a daily email. I may or may not respond. Don't worry about it. The key is to actually get the email and we can use the same thread. So I can also monitor your, your entire journey as it happens. Right? Okay. So what I want you to do is, so for the next 90 days is to tell me, firstly, if you were able to meditate on, on your past limiting story, and if you were able to discover more about it, mm-hmm
Yeah. And then secondly, if you were able to finally able to choose a better thinking pattern and choose a habit and create a trigger that was important to you and create a new behavior and get a new result, I would love for you to send that to me as well. So there are two things in the email that I hope to say part one would be you saying, Hey, I worked on my meditation today. I tried to find the event. I found it. I didn't find it. I have forgiven day one done in choosing a different and a better thinking pattern that serves me a better reward that serves me. And now I'm doing this new habit because of that. Right. And I want you to update me on both of those, if possible, for the next 90 days, would you be open to doing that?
Yes. Yeah. I think that's, uh, no, that this is gonna be a public recording. So everybody gets to see this. Yeah. Yeah.
Veerle (Coachee) (01:08:26):
Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (01:08:28):
Thank you so much for taking that time. Really. I'm looking forward to getting firstly, a feedback on this entire call on what's coming through you and what's coming, you know, what's become important to you and secondly, an email for the next 90 days that updates me on what's happening. Okay.
Veerle (Coachee) (01:08:44):
Yes. Thank you so much for what is this section? And yes, I'm, I'm really excited to see what's going to happen in the next 90 days as well. I'm going to really reflect, uh, on this first, take it all, all in. And I feel like I, I want to just listen to, to the recording again, to even, you know, get, get more insights and, and write things down and, and stuff like that. And then, um, yeah, we'll, I will definitely keep you updated.
Coach Ajit (01:09:09):
Beautiful. Yeah. Now is there a Instagram handle or a Twitter handle or something you wanna mention here so people can reach out to you if they wanna talk to you or if you're even open to sharing that?
Veerle (Coachee) (01:09:20):
Oh yes, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Say it
Coach Ajit (01:09:22):
Out so we can, so people can know where to find you.
Veerle (Coachee) (01:09:25):
Yeah. My Instagram is unpackbyveer. Which you write "unpack by". And then VEER is the first four letters of my name, which is V E E R. Um, so unpacked by veer. It's my Instagram. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (01:09:38):
Veerle (Coachee) (01:09:40):
Well, thank you so much. Great.
Coach Ajit (01:09:41):
Thank you so much. Take care,
Veerle (Coachee) (01:09:43):
Take care. Byebye.
Coach Ajit (01:09:45):
How did you find that coaching session? Wasn't it amazing? Do you see how you can utilize the same coaching principles that I shared with will, how I guided her through the conversation for your own life? If you find yourself in the same patterns as well? I did. I invite you to try re-listening to this episode, but at this point, actually do the exercises with her, actually ask those questions to yourself and see if you can reflect on it for you to be able to get past your own fears that maybe stopping you from being able to take courageous steps or your own resistance to success, whatever it was that was stopping you. If you took the time and reflected on it, I am sure you'll find some new, more interesting solutions to your life. Do remember to invest next 60 to 90 days in building a new habit, a new way of thinking.
So you can also change the way you are approaching life right now in a way that actually is more congruent to the success that you truly seek in your life. At this point, I really invite you to leave us a five-star review. If you enjoyed this episode, leave us a review, tell us what you loved about it. Tell us what you would like to see more of every review that you leave for us is a boost of motivation for us. Thank you so much for taking those 30 seconds to a minute, to actually give us a five-star rating and to write a review on this platform for us also, please share this episode with your fellow coaches. When our community shares a relevant episode with the rest of the community, all of us get to learn more and more many of us are currently in this trap of not feeling courageous enough in a trap of not feeling able to really pursue the ideas and principles that we wanna pursue.
And this episode can really help such individuals. So go ahead and share it with a friend coach of yours or somebody in the community that will find this episode useful. Now, to the open question I had for you, while you started listening to this episode, did you spot the mistake that I was making throughout the entire episode? Well, the one mistake that we givers we coaches tend to make a lot is what I was doing throughout the episode. You see, I only had an hour with Veerle and I wanted to change her entire world. In that hour. I wanted to have her go past her belief systems. I wanted her to have a habit and a routine. I wanted her to realign with her purpose. I wanted her to organize her mind. I wanted her to be really present and I wanted it all in the hour or so that we spent together.
It was a tall ask and I definitely rushed through the entire coaching session because of that. One of the mistakes that we can make is coaches just because we are so hard centered is try to do more and less time. Coaching takes time, creating a result that is life-altering for a person takes time. I was trying to rush through the session. I was trying to cram all of the four parts of the process into an hour, which was an impossible ask for somebody I had never even coached before somebody I had just met for the first time. If I gave myself more permission to just focus on one thing for the entire episode, I may have had even more significant impact on Veerle's life while I'm sure Veerle's life will start to change with this coaching session. I could have done better as a coach.
If I focused my attention towards a few insights, few powerful insights and not try to cram in five coaching sessions into one, my invitation for you as you go into your coaching sessions is not to rush through the coaching session. Don't try to cram in a lot of ideas in the short amount of time that we have without clients. I made this mistake while coaching Veerle for this podcast, but I rarely would make that mistake when I'm working with my clients. I'm going to be more aware of that in the coming episodes. I still wanted to share with you what I made as a mistake in this coaching session. So we can make this a shared learning experience. Remember, slow down to speed up. When you slow down your clients, when you slow down yourself, you have a better chance of speeding up the results that they're going to get through that coaching session. And with that, thank you so much for listening. This is Coach Ajit and you're listening to Master Coaching with Ajit.
Veerle (Coachee) (01:09:20):
Oh yes, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Say it
Coach Ajit (01:09:22):
Out so we can, so people can know where to find you.
Veerle (Coachee) (01:09:25):
Yeah. My Instagram is unpackbyveer. Which you write "unpack by". And then VEER is the first four letters of my name, which is V E E R. Um, so unpacked by veer. It's my Instagram. Yeah.
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