March 8, 2022
Why do some people struggle to find the right partner or sabotage their relationships? We all want to attract love in our lives, so how can we overcome our negative mental chatter and find that love we seek? In today’s episode, Coach Ajit...
Why do some people struggle to find the right partner or sabotage their relationships? We all want to attract love in our lives, so how can we overcome our negative mental chatter and find that love we seek?
In today’s episode, Coach Ajit coaches Roula, a woman who is struggling to attract the right relationship into her life. Throughout this live coaching conversation, Coach Ajit and Roula explore the reasons behind this challenge, how to overcome negative mental chatter, and practices to build self-love and self-confidence.
If you or your clients also struggle with attracting love in their lives, this is a deep and thought-provoking episode you won’t want to miss!
Coach Ajit (00:00):
You are listening to Master Coaching with Ajit podcast that inspires coaches to impact the lives of their clients more meaningfully. I am Coach Ajit and I'm known for coaching high performers, entrepreneurs, and leaders. I'm also a serial entrepreneur and author of many books. On this podcast, I am answering your burning questions. I'm also demonstrating and deconstructing behind the scenes coaching sessions.
Coach Ajit (00:35):
And in today's episode, you are listening into a coaching conversation I had with a wonderful, fantastic woman. Her name is Roula. Roula is somebody who's finding it hard to attract love or was finding it hard to attract love in her life. And we went from discovering the reasons of why she may be finding hard to track somebody in love or finding hard to keep somebody that she really loves or approach a person that she's attracted to all the way to really developing certain practices that she can use in the coming months and years, to be able to love herself more and find the love that she's been seeking. So it's a slightly different coaching conversation that you've heard on Master Coaching with Ajit podcast, and I believe you're gonna enjoy it. And I believe this would be one of those conversations that you may find interesting, even as you discover more about love as you discover why you may have attracted somebody in your life, or maybe attracting somebody in your life beyond love relationship, even in friendship relationships. So it's an interesting conversation. I'm curious to have you listening to it and see how you can utilize this in your own coaching practice. So I'm not gonna take too much of your time setting this up for you. It's a good, long, powerful conversation that I think will change the way you coach your clients around love and relationship.
Coach Ajit (02:00):
Roula Labbad (02:01):
Coach Ajit (02:02):
Hi. Did I say your name right? Rula or Roula how do I say it?
Roula Labbad (02:06):
Coach Ajit (02:07):
Roula. Hi Roula. How are you doing?
Roula Labbad (02:10):
Good. I'm doing good today.
Coach Ajit (02:11):
Where are you coming in from?
Roula Labbad (02:13):
AI'm in Columbus, Ohio
Coach Ajit (02:15):
Oh, nice. Nice. So you are also middle of the day, right? You're CST.
Roula Labbad (02:19):
Yeah, it's four o'clock here. Perfect.
Coach Ajit (02:21):
Yeah. That's awesome. Awesome. How has your day been?
Roula Labbad (02:24):
It's been really good, actually. I'm a little nervous right now, but it's been a good day overall.
Coach Ajit (02:31):
Why, why do you feel nervous?
Roula Labbad (02:32):
I don't know. It's just, I guess, getting coached by you is what's making me a little nervous.
Coach Ajit (02:39):
Well, let's turn that nervousness into excitement a little bit. Okay
Roula Labbad (02:42):
Okay. Okay. Yeah. It more excite nervousness, but yes.
Coach Ajit (02:47):
Great. Let's check into that. And uh, if, if I may, let's take a couple of deep breaths. We could calm down a nervous system and so the nervousness will go away and we can lean into a little bit more excitement. Is that okay with you? You feel more calm and relaxed?
Roula Labbad (03:00):
I do actually. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (03:02):
Perfect. That's awesome. Any time you feel any nervousness, any, anything that is whacking your nervous system or your, uh, emotional system? It's a good practice. So simply just take a couple of deep breaths in relax and nervous system because it allows us to get more present to the moment.
Roula Labbad (03:19):
Coach Ajit (03:21):
Okay. Awesome. Uh, now that we have leaned into a little bit more of calm energy, tell me a little bit about what would make today's session, a great session for you. I mean, I've looked at the note that you sent before, but I'd like to check in just in case something has changed and you may wanna work on something else. So why don't you lead us with, what would make this coaching conversation, a great coaching conversation for you?
Roula Labbad (03:45):
I think I need to feel some kind of reassurance or more confidence in myself. I feel like I hold myself back a lot sometimes, and I don't really believe in myself for some reason. And I feel like sometimes I feel like I don't know anything when I know a lot about a topic and I don't know. I just don't wanna feel like that anymore. I guess I want to feel better about whatever I'm pursuing and stop having so much self doubt around it. And essentially, I guess, imposter syndrome, as some would say.
Coach Ajit (04:23):
Have you ever reflected Roula as to why is it that you feel lack of confidence? Have you ever reflected on that specific piece?
Roula Labbad (04:32):
Yes. To an extent on my own, for the most part, I think I just try to be perfect. I always feel like I have to know everything and I have to have everything perfect to feel like I'm ready for whatever it may be. But in the end, I know that like, if you threw me into something, I'd be good at it eventually, but I think it's just cuz my childhood a little bit. Um, my parents were very intense, always about making sure that we did as well as possible straight A's like had to be like perfect essentially, um, to live up to their expectations. So I think it's definitely because of that a lot, which continues to linger her into my adult life.
Coach Ajit (05:15):
Seems like you've reflected a lot on it actually. You already identified where it's coming from. You seem to know. Okay. That's maybe the story that is what is blocking you that maybe the reason why you feel like you need to be perfect or need to lean into some version of perfection. Let's take a scenario, let's work with a scenario and see how we could get past this programming that you may be experiencing right now. Well, let's take the example of your coaching business. Would that be a good example to lean from? Or would you like to more focus on your love life?
Roula Labbad (05:44):
I think I wanna lean more into the love life.
Coach Ajit (05:48):
Love life. Okay, cool. Awesome. So let's take an example of you connecting with someone. Okay. You're connecting with someone you're connected with someone, maybe through an app, maybe through a friend. However that is, tell me what happens next. What makes you feel like you're not confident to lean into that relationship?
Roula Labbad (06:07):
Usually I'm pretty confident when it comes to the first few dates. It's when I start liking someone and I start getting feelings that I feel like I get self-conscious and I question the things that I say to them, the things I text and I'm like, is this gonna make them not like me? Or is this gonna like, is this gonna work out? I think I always kind of worry about the future and if it's gonna work out versus like trying to just live in the present and enjoy the time with them. And then it is just like, I start picking myself apart sometimes and thinking about my image and if I'm good enough in that sense. And especially if the person is say at a higher credential, I guess, or I look up to them, I think sometimes I make people out to be more than they are. I create a story around them in a sense, I fall for the story of them. Not so much them sometimes.
Coach Ajit (07:04):
Hmm. But it's not only about you not feeling good enough. You sometimes feel like they are way too good for you. Okay. Have you, have you ever done an exercise called via setting? Do you know what that is?
Roula Labbad (07:17):
Coach Ajit (07:18):
Okay, cool. So we are gonna reflect on an exercise. The first thing that we wanna do is let's define what is perfect for you. Okay. What does perfect look like? Feel like what does being perfect in a relationship feel like for you? The reason why you wanna define it? Because a lot of times, like you said, and you kind of identified to it and spoke to it a little bit, but a lot of times what we make up in our mind, because we never write it down. We keep telling ourselves a story and we talk ourselves into and out of things. Okay. So what would happen is say you found a person, you really attracted them. There's an attract going on. There's a back and forth, right. You're feeling good. And then suddenly you go, oh, but this person is really good for me. They're so kind, they're so gentle.
Coach Ajit (08:06):
They're so successful. Whatever the story is that you end up telling yourself and then what happens is we tend to tell ourselves the story without actually an end, right? It's our chatter of our mind. Right? So you keep telling yourself the story about them. You keep telling yourself the story about yourself without realizing that you're repeating a story and you're making it bigger than what is the truth of the matter. Is this making sense? So it's like saying, you know, my favorite meal is this dish that, that I eat and you keep telling yourself about this dish. So what happens in your mind, even before you eat it or you ever eat it, you've created this mental story that is so big and so much grander than the actual meal. Right. Have you realized sometimes you're forward to a meal and you eat it?
Coach Ajit (08:56):
You're like, yeah, kind of okay. The feeling was kind of okay. Right. But your story or your idea of that meal was amazing. Right. But the truth of it wasn't as amazing. Right. Has that happened to you before, right? That kind of how, yes. That's how our life also becomes. A lot of times we tell ourselves and that's why we chatter ourselves and talk ourselves out of things because we go, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough because of X, Y, Z reasons without actually making it a matter of fact, just because we are repeating the story, it becomes a bigger story than it naturally is. right. So first let's define what perfect really means to you. What is a perfect relationship? What's a perfect person for you. Would you do little and it doesn't have to be perfect in this conversation. We don't have to really identify and have bullet list of what that perfect person looks like, but let's identify some of the key traits that somebody would have to feel like it's a good partner for you.
Roula Labbad (09:54):
Someone that's kind and someone that's affectionate in caring for others, compassionate, um, successful driven, and has a sense of humor and can just be themselves and smart. I like someone that I can talk to and have an intelligent conversation, like a real conversation about real things. I think that's usually the biggest thing for me is the conversation and how that goes and just how I feel with them. So it's just like, there's a lot of chemistry there and attraction, but overall, they, I just want someone that's honest, loyal, that's a good person in the end.
Coach Ajit (10:36):
Do you feel Roula that a lot of these characteristics also are your characteristics?
Roula Labbad (10:40):
Yes. I think.
Coach Ajit (10:41):
Are you loyal? Are you honest? You seem really smart.
Roula Labbad (10:45):
Coach Ajit (10:46):
So do you feel that if you wrote this down and had these as characteristics off a person and you wrote down your key characteristics of why you are so attractive to anybody, would you think there would be an easy match?
Roula Labbad (11:01):
Coach Ajit (11:01):
Considering that you would match these qualities of the person that you are speaking with or connected with.
Roula Labbad (11:08):
Coach Ajit (11:09):
What do you think happens when you're thinking less of yourself and greater of themselves? Why, why, where do you think that, that, uh, that conversation origins or where the origin of that conversation in your mind?
Roula Labbad (11:22):
To be honest, like when I'm confident and I'm feeling good, I'm like, yes, I measure up. I'm like everything anyone could want. But then the insecure side of me is like, well, they probably have a number of different options. Like I'm not gonna be the only person they're talking to. And it's just like, I guess like sometimes I just feel super confused about why they don't work out. Um, because I do feel like I am putting my best foot forward and I'm being myself, cuz I always do try to stay true to myself even when I'm being insecure or whatever. Like I always try to be myself and not so much mold to the other person, which I think a lot of people can do sometimes. But like, I think it's usually if they're more successful than me, I don't know why that makes me feel like they're better than me.
Roula Labbad (12:13):
I think it's really because I grew up so poor and I feel like I always looked up to like family members that were super rich or successful. It's like being wow, like look at them. Like I wish I could be like that. And then I was always reminded by my parents that like you have to work hard and this doesn't come easy. And I don't. And like you have to live within your limits in a sense, because they were such limited mindset people. And the thing is, I know it doesn't make any sense, which is the crazy part. Like I know money doesn't measure how great of a person you are or how or anything really. Um, but for some reason it intimidates me sometimes
Coach Ajit (12:55):
It's perfectly okay. It's intellectually knowing something and actually knowing it are two different things. You intellectually know. It doesn't make a difference that happens with most of us. We intellectually understand a lot of things, but in our bodies, in our soul, we haven't fully accepted it. We'll come to that in a second. What is the definition of success for you? Because you said they're more successful than me couple of times. Does that mean financial success? I'm I'm just alluding to it because that's what I understood off the, the narrative we just had.
Roula Labbad (13:26):
Yes. It's either financial success or with regards to their title, they're in a higher position or something of that sort. I think, I just think they know more than me and I'm not as intelligent even though I know that's not true. Because I know people that are very wealthy and I'm just as intelligent. If not more sometimes. Um, it's just crazy. I don't know why I do this to myself.
Coach Ajit (13:52):
It is, it is the truth of, of a lot of us. So don't worry, don't beat yourself down because you have certain beliefs and you have a certain way of thinking right now, everything in our lives is a work in progress, right? Including our beliefs around what we believe to be true and what we don't believe to be true. So let's not beat ourselves down again. Let's first work with what is it that is coming through. So we can change that at least work towards changing that narrative. And we'll see how far we can go in this one conversation that we are gonna have. Right. Because this is only a single conversation. So I try to cover as much ground as possible. But of course we may not be able to cover everything. Okay. Yeah. So let's go to where we were. Okay.
Coach Ajit (14:34):
So what we found was that there's an understanding of a perfect person for you. which you also see yourself as reflected on you go, okay, that's kind of like me, like what I'm trying to find is a person that can match my qualities in none of those qualities. You said, you kind of said successful, but you didn't say they need to be more financially wealthy or less financially wealthy than I am. Right. Because we are really talking about success in context of wealth right now not talking about overarching success definition. We're talking very specifically to financial, at least that's what I'm understanding of this conversation is that it, that is what kind of, uh, lead leads you to sabotage. If I may, uh, a relationship, do you think you sabotage a relationship? I, I don't wanna reflect something. That's not true.
Roula Labbad (15:19):
Sometimes I do. Yes.
Coach Ajit (15:21):
Sometimes. But it's because there's a point where you alluded to also the idea of relationships don't work out. Have you reflected on when the relationships don't work out? Is it more you sabotaging that relationship? Is it just the personalities didn't match? Have you seen if there's an overarching trend or some kind of a pattern?
Roula Labbad (15:42):
I think it's usually they're not ready or emotionally available and I'm not sure why this keeps happening because I'm pretty particular about how I pick and choose who I go out with. So I try to watch for those things. But of course, when you don't know someone you don't know right away, they're usually short lived. I will say that they're usually like only a few dates or so, and then I usually end it or it fizzles out or whatever it may be. I've been in many long term relationships. So at this point in my life, I think I get scared sometimes that I'm gonna waste my time with someone because I spent almost seven years with one person, three with another four with another and so forth. So I don't wanna do that without being successful.
Coach Ajit (16:32):
Okay. So there are a few things that, and this probably is many conversations that you'll need. And you'll probably follow up this conversation with your coach as well. Is, do you think love is a transaction? No.
Coach Ajit (16:48):
Okay. So when we set an expectation to a relationship, I want it to be successful and I want it to be like this. I don't want it to be like this. What we have done is we have set ourselves up for our transaction, right? I expect you to do this. And in return I expect to do this, right? I will invest in this relationship. Only if I see a future with you, I will not invest in this relationship because previously I've invested four, five years into something and it hasn't worked out for me. Do you see how this is becoming a transaction? It may not be a financial transaction, but it's a transaction.
Roula Labbad (17:28):
Yeah. I've never thought of it that way. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (17:32):
So what happens when we approach a person even unconsciously as a transaction, especially when it comes down to love. A lot of the things that are happening are energetic. They're less being said, you don't know why something is happening. It just is happening. . So when you are leaning into a relationship, , the foundation has to come from no expectation. It does not mean that you don't have an expectation to your partner. It simply means that that's not the foundation of our relationship, unless we state to each other, Hey, this is what I'm expecting this relationship. Are you expecting this in this relationship, but that's more creating groundwork that happens once you have had some kind of relationship already being built, right? So this is date number four or five date number one, one through five is probably more so to see if energetically you wipe together, is this making sense?
Coach Ajit (18:34):
Yes. And it actually has to come from no expectation of the other person, because what you're not trying to do, establish will this become a winning relationship? What you're really trying to establish is is this even a match? Are we even the same vibe? Right? It's more energetic, right? that is at least in my experience. Our relationships need to evolve over time, especially the love relationship, because you're not looking for a relationship that will last you a couple of years, you're hopefully looking for a relationship or that's my understanding of what you're saying. That will last a lifetime. Yes. To find a relationship like that. Let's think about it. Right? Any relationship that has longevity of a lifetime needs to have longevity that is more foundational than what your expectation is today, because your expectation will change. Yeah. And so will your partners, right?
Coach Ajit (19:32):
That means that cannot be the groundwork that cannot be okay, this is what I need in this relationship. And this is what you need in this relationship. It's matching today. So let's do this. because that's not what defines relationship success, what defines relationship successes. Can you evolve together more importantly than, did you have a good expectation setting when you started? If there's a bigger chance of you evolving together, there's a likelihood that the relationship is gonna last longer. Is this making sense? Rolo this makes complete sense. Yes. Right? So when we lean into a relationship, what if we suspended all expectation? But what if we just said, I wanna just see if we wipe and if we do wipe, maybe there is an evolution that is possible, right? Here's what's gonna happen when you suspend expectations from the person you become free. It's not even about the person.
Coach Ajit (20:25):
It's more about you. And when you are free as a person, when you are free, as somebody who is open to saying, Hmm, let me see what is there in this experience for me to explore, you become so attractive. It's not even a joke. Right? Have you seen a free man? A man who's completely free. Who's unattached to what happens in life because they know they'll figure it out. Yeah. When you see a free man, he's probably the most attractive man that you have seen. It doesn't matter how he looks, but, but the way he feels is powerful. Isn't that?
Roula Labbad (21:04):
Coach Ajit (21:05):
Right. Because there's a likeness to that soul. That's what happens with the free boom too.
Roula Labbad (21:11):
Hmm. It's like a, just went off. Like that makes so much sense to me.
Coach Ajit (21:16):
So what if, what if he suspended some expectations for the coming to 30 days, even 60 days and approached individuals with the freeness of saying, I don't know if this is gonna work out or not. I'm just seeing if somebody wipes with me and if it wipes great, I'm going to explore it. If it doesn't wipe it's okay. I'm not trying to make a relationship work.
Roula Labbad (21:38):
Coach Ajit (21:38):
I am simply trying to see people that I wipe with. Here's one more thing that will happen when you're not trying to make a relationship work. You give freedom to that relationship. Then a relationship has freedom. It can explore itself to find what is the truth of that relationship, because you're not trying to get to a point you're not trying to achieve, um, a marriage or some kind of whatever is your expectation of the relationship, because it does not come with all those boundaries. It becomes a lot more open conversation for it to explore itself and see what is there. And if there is anything, instead of them trying to prove that they're a good partner and you trying to prove that you are a good partner, instead of that, we are letting the relationship, see if this is a good relationship, doesn't matter if you're a good partner or not. Because partnership changes. We changes people. Yeah. Right. So again, we are not looking for somebody that fits our model. What we are looking for is can we wided with a person, can we evolve with this person? Because the model of our reality. Okay?
Roula Labbad (22:48):
As you grow with them. Yeah. And you change.
Coach Ajit (22:50):
You grow with them. So what you're looking for is growth together, not to fit the check boxes. So that's the first thing let's, let's suspend expectations. So it can give you some freedom. It can give the relationship some freedom to thrive. And if the right partner shows up great, the relationship will thrive. Okay. Now let's go to the next part of this conversation, which is what is it that creates lack of confidence in ourselves, right? When is it that we don't believe in ourselves? Have you reflected on that? What makes us less confident?
Roula Labbad (23:25):
I don't think I have enough. I think for me, a lot of it is like not feeling confident in knowing everything that usually seems to be the biggest thing for me is just not knowing enough around whatever the topic may be. And then also with regards to just dating to like, I don't know, I feel like I've just had so many situations fizzle out or not work that I'm just like, it's gotta be me, I would think or something. And I know for the most part, it's not, cuz usually like it I'm so glad most of them didn't work, but like I think it's really my energy and coming into it and having all this pressure to make it work. And I think that makes me less confident because I'm like, you have to make this work. And I get a lot of pressure from my family.
Roula Labbad (24:18):
I'm middle Eastern. So like the expectation is that I should have been married years ago. So I think that kind of messes with my confidence. Cause I'm like, oh my God, you're getting older. Like the older you get the less attractive you're going to be to people or whatever. And I know that's not true because I know like people are in their thirties these days and not married and it's great. And I think it's actually healthy, but like my family gets in my head, especially my mom cuz she's the one that probably puts the most pressure on me. And it's just like always being compared to people as a child and how pretty they are compared to me or how pretty I am compared to them. It's very focused on looks, um, within the middle Eastern culture, I would say. And like we are pretty much raised to be married.
Roula Labbad (25:08):
Um, like, and thankfully that's not the situation, but like that's like how it is for the most part. Um, so I think it's really like it's around that for some reason. And it's like, if I don't feel perfectly fit, then it's like, I'm not at my best. And I think like I get really hard on myself. If I say I'm gonna do something and I don't do it to a hundred percent or if like, for instance, like going to the gym, like I'll say I wanna go to the gym five to six days a week. If I only go like four days, I'll get really down on myself, subconsciously. I like, I don't say it out loud, but I'll say it in my head a lot and I'll make myself feel bad about it. And it drags out and through my day and I know that's not healthy. It's like I don't allow myself to make any mistakes if I do. It's like, what'd you do that? Why'd you do that?
Coach Ajit (26:00):
Roula, there is so much I would love to discuss, but in the interest of our limited time, yes, I will skip ahead a little bit. Okay. There is so much to explore also because I come from a similar background I'm, I was born in India. I grew up in India. Right? So not at the same kind of pressure that women face, but I had my set of pressures where I was an older man. And I, that is why I got engaged to somebody that I didn't even fully want to be a partner with. And then I had to let go of that relationship. And now, thankfully, I found somebody who, who wipes more so than have an expectation of each other. Right. So I hear you to some, I mean, I, I'm not saying that I'm in your situation because I'm sure it's more difficult than where I am today, but I've had a similar experience from whatever limited version of a man that I, in context of being a man that I could experience.
Coach Ajit (26:52):
So I wanna explore so much. So I'm, I'm trying to see how I can benefit you the most in the shortest time possible roll up. So my challenge is, is more so that I feel that in our conversation we could explore confidence, but I think it's the chatter. That's a bigger challenge. Would you be open? I'll give you some techniques for confidence towards the end anyway, so you can explore them further in your own time. Would you be open to explore the chatter that happens around you and within you? Because that I think may be something that we can explore that will help you more long term.
Roula Labbad (27:35):
I think so. Yeah. I think that's a good idea.
Coach Ajit (27:37):
So what happens Roula is our mind has the amazing capability of keeping us safe, right? and to keep us safe, it creates dialogues in our mind. And most of these dialogues that get created in our mind are not there for our growth. they are there for safety and security. So say, for example, if your mother explores the idea of saying, well, you're getting older, you need to get married. You need to do this and this and this. And there is some input to our mind. Then now our mind would go, okay, I have all this information where I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. And so it'll create safety mechanisms and safety mechanisms are not always there where you would go, oh, it's actually keeping us safe. Now it just keeps us limited and makes us feel safe.
Coach Ajit (28:33):
Right? So for example, when you say I'm gonna hit the gym six times a week and you hit five times when your mind says you're not good enough because you did it five times. It's because the feeling off what you feel when you hit that plateau, when you hit the five times and you're not able to do the six times, that feeling is the feeling of safety is the feeling of comfort is the feeling of security, right? Because now your, your mind is trained to make you feel bad. Right. And that feeling of bad actually feels safe. Huh?
Roula Labbad (29:09):
Roula Labbad (29:09):
Right. Because you go, oh, I'm not good enough. You know? And then you maybe go for some food items or maybe you go watch Netflix, whatever that is the behavior that is, there is a comforting behavior. Do you have a comforting behavior that happens the immediate time when you feel longer enough? Is there something that you tend to do?
Roula Labbad (29:30):
Netflix. Kind of zone out in some way or another, or I'll call someone to talk about it, but usually not in the most positive way. It's like, I wanna make sure someone hears me or I wanna be by myself and numbed it's one or the other.
Coach Ajit (29:48):
Yes. You wanna be yourself by yourself and be numbed. How does that feel? That feels comfortable. Isn't that? right.
Roula Labbad (29:56):
I don't face anyone.
Coach Ajit (29:58):
And you feel comfortable even when you're talking to a friend, it makes you feel comfortable because you're like, oh, I get to say all these things. It makes you feel connected to someone right. So what's happening? What tends to happen? This is true for a lot of us. Don't don't try to go. This is roll ass problem. No, this is the world's problem. Okay. we come up with this chatter. The chatter gets us to say, oh, I'm not good enough. Or I'm sad now, or I'm unhappy or whatever that is making you feel a particular way that then entices you to do a particular behavior. Watch Netflix, call a friend, go for a walk. Anything that makes you feel comfortable and creates procrastination that may create growth. right. And now this behavior itself creates what we call a habit loop.
Coach Ajit (30:49):
Right? Because what a habit loop is where you build a habit off feeling like something, being like something. Right? So now what happens is even when, and this is all happening unconsciously, this is not in your conscious environment. Okay. Unconsciously, what may be happening is now let's say you coming up to six days of gym you will actually get yourself to only do five days a gym. The reason is because guess what happens when you don't hit the gym, the sixth time you feel safe, you can do the things that make you feel comfortable, feel connected, feel the love in whatever way possible. Right? So you actually sabotage your own growth or own achievement. So you can feel what makes you feel comfortable and safe.
Roula Labbad (31:43):
That's so crazy.
Coach Ajit (31:45):
When you go into a relationship and sabotage it, guess what you're doing, putting yourself back into the habit loop. Because guess what happens when the guy doesn't work out, pick up the phone, talk to a friend, talk about how terrible that person was. Pick up the phone, talk to the coach, talk about how the man didn't just really work out right. Or watch Netflix, another rom com, right? Whatever that is. the behavior repeats itself because it makes you feel safe. It makes you feel comfortable. And so it becomes a habit.
Roula Labbad (32:20):
Coach Ajit (32:22):
So how do we break the habit?
Roula Labbad (32:24):
I was just gonna ask that .
Coach Ajit (32:27):
So the key or breaking in habit is to the two ways. One is when you identify the first step is to know you're in a habit loop, which you kind of can now go, oh crap. This is what happens. Yeah. This is how I behave. This is how I feel good. And that's why I keep doing this. Right. So first thing is you can literally make, you can Google habit loop right. I'll give you a diagram of what a habit loop will says. Cue, reward.. Cue, habit, reward, basically a circle of three or four blocks, depending on what image you look at. But basically you are in a behavior you're in a loop, right? And it repeats itself. Again, again, you wanna take that and you wanna identify what is that for each of the elements that you seem like you are in a loop, right?
Coach Ajit (33:12):
You're repeating yourself again and again and again. And all of our lives are different. Habit loops. All of our life is always a habit loop. It's more about which habit loop we wanna break. Right? Habit loops are not a bad thing. Habit loops keeps us safe, gets us to do things in a particular way. So habit loop itself is not a bad thing. We wanna identify the habit loops that are not serving us. Right. And you find that habit oop that's step one. Second is the key to changing habit loop is to change the reward, right? When you don't hit the gym the sixth time, instead of sitting down, watching Netflix or whatever, that is the comfortable thing you're doing. Even if it is 10:00 PM in the night, go for the run. Right. And associate that activity to a reward, a reward that you actually desire more than the reward that you were getting before. Right? So for example, if Netflix makes you feel comfortable, does the run or gym or whatever that might be makes you feel excited.
Roula Labbad (34:15):
Once I'm there and done. Once I'm there. Yes
Coach Ajit (34:19):
YSo that's, that's good. That's a good identifier, right? Once I'm there. And once the end, when I have finished my workout, I feel excited.
Roula Labbad (34:28):
Yeah. I feel better.
Coach Ajit (34:31):
So what you wanna remember what you wanna cue yourself for every time you're about to turn on Netflix is to go. I know how I feel after the run. I wanna remember that feeling of after the run, after the gym. Right. And what will happen is it may not happen the first time. It may not happen the second time, but the third time, the moment you start remembering the reward, while you're able to identify the habit loop, right? That's why you need to know what's your habit loop, right? Once you know the habit loop, you go, the reward I will get right now is yes. I'll feel comfortable. I'll feel, you know, sit down on Netflix and, and chill or whatever. But if I change that and I go, I wanna feel excited instead of feeling chill. Now you have a choice. Now your mind can make a rational decision. And this is what we are truly doing to change. Habits is we are trying to move away from an emotional decision to go to a rational decision, right? Choosing to watch Netflix is an emotional decision.
Roula Labbad (35:37):
Coach Ajit (35:38):
You need to recognize your emotions. You need to appreciate your emotion, but you don't need to make an emotional decision.
Roula Labbad (35:46):
Coach Ajit (35:46):
Right. You can regulate your emotions and you can go. I see. That's an emotional decision. I don't wanna make that decision. Let me breathe five times. If that, that is one way of relaxing, a nervous system, right. To recognize this is an emotional decision. I'm gonna make a rational one. I'm gonna go for a run.
Roula Labbad (36:04):
So how about like the negative chatter around like dating and not feeling good enough or, oh my God. I must have said something or whatever. Like how do I change that? Like I know recognizing it first, but like, what would be an example of an action I could take or a way I can change that, I guess.
Coach Ajit (36:25):
So let's see your behavior here. Okay. We're gonna use the habit loop example because we have already discussed it. We'll talk about some more ideas. Okay. but the habit loop example, right? What tends to happen? You are approaching a relationship. You lean an expectation. You go, I'm not good enough. It gets you to abandoned relationship. And then you get to connect with your friends or you get to sit and watch Netflix. You get to either specific food because you just had a breakup or whatever that is, that makes you feel comfortable. It makes you feel safe. You don't have to put your effort into something. And so you're not signing up for heart break after four years or seven years or 10 years. Right? You see your habit loop comes from your old relationships a little bit. right? Because you are kind of going, I don't wanna invest my time into this energy because you know, it didn't work out for me in the past or, and so forth.
Coach Ajit (37:16):
Right. So what is it that we can do once we recognize that this is what's happening now we get to choose if we wanna still associate ourselves to this particular behavior. So let's say you're about to go into a chatter of saying, oh, I'm not good enough. Well, let's see, what does it make us feel? What does it get us to do? It gets us to break up with a person or sabotage our relationship. Let's reverse that because that's not the reward we want. We don't want to feel connected to our friends or comfort sitting in Netflix or becoming a sob story or not take the risk of investing in a relationship. Those are not the outcomes that we are looking for. Let's see. What is the reward of a great conversation? What's the reward of actually investing in a relationship? What's the reward of us feeling good enough, right?
Coach Ajit (38:04):
Yeah. Let' see those rewards. Right. And then, because this is a tough behavior, not feeling good enough is it's almost as bad as this pandemic. Especially with the new world, with our recognition of things that are around us all the time, we constantly feel compared to right. so it, it is probably as bad as, as this pandemic or this epidemic that we, that we are in. And, and it needs to be resolved in as, um, intense format. If I may, as we may have to deal with other stuff in our lives. So what you wanna do is you wanna find practices that make you feel good enough, right? There are some which are very easy that you just simply have to practice enough off, which will make you feel better and better every day. So the first thing that we wanna always remember when we don't feel good enough, or when we feel like we're not good enough, compared to someone and so forth, is it is our emotional body responding, right?
Coach Ajit (39:00):
And what we need to do is we need to bring our rational mind to be able to reorganize that thought and see what is it that we are really not feeling good enough about. Right. Remember in the starting, when we were talking about what are some of the things that you're looking for in a partner, and then we asked the question, do you see those qualities in yourself? And you said, yes, what is it that is making you not good enough? Then you have the same qualities that you're looking in the partner, which means if the partner's looking for something, you have the same stuff. So you are a perfect match. You are good enough. But what happens is because we let the chatter take over, we let that emotions of feeling, oh, they have the nicer car or a better position, or, you know, uh, they're more extroverted than I am or whatever the story is that you're telling yourself is because you're letting the chatter rule instead of letting the rational thought rule.
Coach Ajit (39:48):
So what if you wrote down, what did it mean to be good enough? What if we wrote down that we are good enough and that's it right? What if this was not a decision role I had to made, but their decision, the partner's decision, if we are good enough for something or not, and if they were in the relationship, oh, it must be working out. That's a good point. Yeah. Right. So what happens is when the rational mind takes over our emotional mind has to regulate itself, or when we regulate our emotions, our rational mind defaults to taking over, right? So you can practice ourselves to feel good enough. One of the best and the easiest way of feeling good enough is to tell yourself verbally and overtake the chatter, right? Because chatter is non-verbal right. If you tell yourself verbally, look in the mirror, focus on yourself and tell yourself you're good enough.
Coach Ajit (40:38):
I know it sounds really silly and stupid, but it helps because our language and our acceptance of ourselves the first time, second time, third time, it doesn't work. But when you're doing it, 10 times, 20 times, 30 times, you start to elevate yourself. you start to feel good enough. Right? So that's the simplest practice that you can do, literally look at yourself and tell yourself you're good enough. Right? You're good enough. Right. And it will change your being. Secondly, is to understand that feeling confident or feeling you're good enough is actually a skill. It's not a feeling feeling is how it shows up, but it's actually a skill you can master any skill. Right? Let's look at this, like, uh, like this, if you think you're feeling confident, can you regulate it? Not really. Right. You'll feel confident just because somebody said something, right.
Coach Ajit (41:30):
They may not even be related to you. Right. And you will feel like you could be on Instagram and not feel confident. Right. , that's not a good way to live life. Right? Yeah. What if confidence was a skill that you were just building, which means that in certain situations you're already confident because that's true, right? You're confident when you're brushing your teeth. Right. You're confident. You're not thinking about, oh, I don't have confidence enough to brush my teeth. You're confident. You're very specific things in areas of life that you're very, very confident in. And the other areas of life where you feel like, oh, I'm not confident. Right? but like you build skill of brushing your teeth. Can you build a skill of coaching someone really well, can you build a skill of being more confident in a, in a dinner setting? Can you build a skill of being confident in, in your relationship you could, right?
Roula Labbad (42:21):
Coach Ajit (42:22):
If you could build confidence in other areas of your life, could you not build confidence in some other areas of your life?
Roula Labbad (42:27):
Coach Ajit (42:28):
Right. So, what if relationship was a skill or confidence in a relationship was a skill?
Roula Labbad (42:36):
I've never thought of it that way,
Coach Ajit (42:37):
But if you use confidence as a skill or develop confidence as a skill, could you develop it more and more every single day? Because it's a skill.
Roula Labbad (42:46):
Coach Ajit (42:47):
Right. So we are reframing confidence. So you don't feel confident or not feel confident. You are confident, or you're not confident based on the skill level that you're at and skill level is always upgrading.
Roula Labbad (42:59):
Coach Ajit (43:00):
Yeah. Do you see how that reframe can change the way you approach, how you are in a relationship? Yeah. Do you think relationship or how to be in a relationship, how to be attractive, how to attract somebody can also be a skill that one can learn.
Roula Labbad (43:18):
Yeah, I think so. Actually. Yeah.
Coach Ajit (43:20):
It's true. People don't see it that way because nobody studies relationship to the degree that one must, if they really want to have relationship in their life. But if you really study attraction, you will see it's a skill and all of us have it. We have very attractive people. each one of us, physical beauty is the smallest element of attraction. It may seem the most important thing, but when it comes to real life, it is actually other beauties that shine way too much than the physical beauty of someone also, because physical beauty is something that de deters with time. Yeah. So if you have a partner that is only attracted to somebody's physical beauty, well then you'll constantly be visiting plastic surgeons, man, or woman doesn't matter. And that's not a good way to live in a relationship. I mean, is that all we have to offer to each other?
Roula Labbad (44:11):
No. And I think that would be a horrible relationship actually.
Coach Ajit (44:14):
Exactly. Who wants to be in a relationship where all that matters is how you look?
Roula Labbad (44:18):
Yeah. There's so much more, it's not even...
Coach Ajit (44:21):
There's so much more to being human. Exactly. So what if attraction was more than how you looked, it was more about who you are.
Roula Labbad (44:32):
Coach Ajit (44:33):
Now can we learn how to be more of us?
Roula Labbad (44:36):
I think so. It's funny because when I am, and I don't care, they like me so much.
Coach Ajit (44:44):
And that is why the initial time of your relationships are great. And when you start worrying about, they must like me.
Roula Labbad (44:52):
Coach Ajit (44:53):
You don't stay the same person that you are because now you are relying on an expectation on that relationship. And you start being someone that hopefully is attracted to the person, but the person is on the seventh date with you because they are attracted to the true version of you. Yeah. And isn't the secret that the only one, the person that is truly attractive to the truest version of us, because that's how we are gonna be on a day to day basis. Yeah. We can put on the facade every day, every hour. So why not simply choose to say, I'm only going to want to even attractive to a person that is accepting me exactly as why I am right now.
Roula Labbad (45:34):
And that's what I want in the end. I don't want someone to like me for the way that I look or what I have to offer. It's about being me.
Coach Ajit (45:43):
What would it take for you to suspend all expectations of yourself and of other people in a relationship?
Roula Labbad (45:51):
Stop worrying so much. Stop caring what they think and just enjoy the process.
Coach Ajit (45:57):
How will you remind yourself of this? Because you're telling me intellectually correct answer, but I wanna see that being in your being, how is it that Roula will remember that the only relationship she truly wants is the honest relationship with Roula.
Roula Labbad (46:12):
I think just after a date, even if I'm not sure if I like someone or if I am really into someone just remembering, like, this is an experience, it doesn't have to be forever. It's just something for me to experience and enjoy and see if it can lead to something else. Um, or something more without worrying about was I, was I everything they wanted? What? Like, did everything go well? Did they feel the same chemistry as me or whatever it may be like, I just have to let go of what they think and let go of my age and the idea around the fact that I should have been married already, or I should have had children already or whatever it may be and just let it happen, I guess.
Coach Ajit (46:58):
Here's one thing that I want you to do as the next step. Okay. It's an exercise called fear setting. It's by Tim Ferris. There's a whole Ted talk around it. In case you wanna explore the exercise further than what we'll talk about today.
Roula Labbad (47:10):
Coach Ajit (47:11):
One of the things that leads us to feel scared about life is because we never really sit down with our fear and say, what is it really? What am I really scared of? What is this? That's creating all this fear in my mind. And what is it that would happen if let's say these fears come true, what would happen? Right? Because we never sit with it. We sit with the fear constantly. Yeah. You alluded to some of these fears, my age will, I have kids this, that all of these are fears translating or coming out in different words and different statements that become your story, right? which creates a version of you to the outside world. That's not truly you because that's the scared version of you. That's the fearful version of you. What we are gonna do is we are gonna take a piece of paper and we are gonna actually write down our fears and we are gonna write down what really happens if this fear really comes true.
Coach Ajit (48:14):
Right? And be real about it. Honest about it, honest for yourself to say, what if I didn't have kids? What's the worst case scenario that can happen. Right? What you will find is a lot of these fears that may seem really scary. are not that scary. They're really not. What if you didn't have kids, it's the big deal. You don't get to not live your full life. You don't get to play. You get to do all of the things that you want to do, except not have kids big deal. A lot of people don't have kids. What's the big deal. What is the world ending situation that will happen? Will you not get to live? That's not true. You still get to live. Right. But making those fears real you, and you can have kids in many different ways, you could help people.
Coach Ajit (48:55):
And that could be humanity could be your children. You could adopt kids and you could have kids that way. Right? So what you're doing is what you're really setting up yourself for is to say, what's my worst fear. Let me write it down and get real with it. Like really real with it and see what is my worst case scenario in this situation. And is that really so bad? And can I do something about it to rephrase this fear? What is it that I can do to mitigate this fear in my life? Right? Is there alternative paths, right? The reason why we wanna do this is you'll find that most of your fears are yes. Maybe fears and they are real, of course, but they're also things that you can do something about. You can change your reality. You can change your expectation. You can change who you are and how you are to, to fit a narrative.
Coach Ajit (49:45):
That makes sense to you. Right? So what I want you to do is to do that exercise again, like I said, you could Google the Tedex talk by Tim Ferris. I think if you Google fear setting and probably will come up. So, so just do that. So you can actually do the exercise with, uh, with the, with, I think as fully explained by him, but in summary, this is the exercise and why I want you to do it is because I want you to suspend your fears. Okay. Because your fear will always get in the way of love.
Roula Labbad (50:14):
Coach Ajit (50:14):
Because fear doesn't work well with love.
Roula Labbad (50:17):
And I think that really has been the reason why I haven't been able to find that person because I have fear that I'm gonna be alone. And that scares the hell out of me. Cuz never been alone. I've either had family or something, someone around me, I have lots of friends and I think I do that on purpose to feel like I have people around me and that I'll never be alone, but like I still have this fear of it.
Coach Ajit (50:43):
So do the exercise and see what can we do? So you're not alone because there are many things you could do. If you really sit down with it, there's a version of you that will find the answer to that. I mean, there are different people. I don't wanna suggest what I would do, but there would be a version of you that you will go, okay. Let's say I didn't find the right partner. Instead of being in a miserable relationship, I chose to be by myself. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Because that probably is a better outcome of the whole thing, right? Oh yeah. What would that look like? How will I make sure that I'm not alone? There are many ways to do it and you'll find your answer that is connected and honest to you. And that will take away. Hopefully that fear because the version of fuel that is without that fear is very attractive.
Roula Labbad (51:24):
Coach Ajit (51:24):
And it will not have a problem of finding the right partner that fits exactly what you need in a relationship, the right kind of vibe that you, that you're looking for that fits your narrative. But for that to happen, Roula has gotta be that free woman that these partners need for the first two dates. And then they don't because that's the version they want. They want it so bad and you're just taking it away from them.
Roula Labbad (51:48):
And I always come up with excuses on why it didn't work out to make myself feel better about it. And I'm always like, it wasn't you like, they just weren't ready or it just, you didn't connect with each other, whatever it may be. And it's, it's a defense mechanism. I know it is.
Coach Ajit (52:04):
That's okay. Your mind's doing a great job in keeping you safe. Yeah. It's a challenge. The question that we have to answer is do we wanna be safe or do we wanna grow? And if you wanna grow, we are gonna learn out of that situation. And sometimes they will not be the right match and that's fine, but let's find that not from a place of fear, but from a place of growth. Okay. I loved our conversation. I enjoyed it. You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you so much for taking the time and connecting with me here and giving me the opportunity, work with you a little bit. I hope you take these practices back with you. Try them on, see which works, which doesn't work for you. It's okay. If some of these practices don't work for you, it's absolutely. Okay. Right. Our goal was today to help you a little bit further than where you have been.
Roula Labbad (52:48):
No, I'll definitely try these. I really appreciate your time. This was great. Very eye opening.
Coach Ajit (52:53):
Thank you so much, Roula
Roula Labbad (52:55):
Coach Ajit (52:55):
It was a delight talking to you. You're a wonderful human being. Stay connected. Bye.
Roula Labbad (52:59):
Thank you so much.
Coach Ajit (53:00):
Take care. Bye bye.
Coach Ajit (53:02):
How did you enjoy the conversation? Do you have a friend that can really listen in and would find this helpful and meaningful for them? If you have a friend that will find this conversation useful, go ahead and share this episode with your friend. If you're not follow us on Spotify, go ahead. Hit the follow button so you can get notified every time you post a new episode. If you're not subscribed on Apple podcast, go ahead and subscribe. So you get a notification every time we release a new episode, if you haven't yet taken the time to give us a five star rating, I really encourage you to go ahead and give us a five star. Thank you so much for tuning in. This is Coach Ajit and you're listening to Master Coaching with Ajit.